Grace
by Gater101
Summary: Luka holds Joe. Angst.


**Author's Note: So this is a little one-shot at some Luka angst. Dunno where it came from, really. Song is 'Grace' by Kate Havenik.**

_Nothing comes easily  
__Fill this empty space  
__Nothing is like it seems  
__Turn my grief to grace _

Luka sat at the edge of his bed, staring off into the space around the room. His son was cradled in his arms asleep as he watched the shapes from the light float around the room. The gentle music had stopped hours before but he could not bring himself to put his son to bed.

He was afraid that if he did, that if he let him out of his arms for even a moment, he would be gone.

It had happened before and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to survive if it happened again. For hours, images of a different time, a different place assaulted him, teasing him with their warmth, killing him with their brutality. He hadn't been able to save his family before and he had almost lost this family, this new life that had come to him.

His wife – so beautiful and loving – had come into the room, years before, urging him to lay the small bundle in his arms down, to come to bed with her. But he'd been unable to lay Marko down then, just like he was unable to lay Joe down now. He didn't want to ever, he wanted to keep him in his arms forever, shielding him from the world and its cruelties and atrocities. It was the same then, as now.

Only there was no war here to take them away. No bombs to ruin his house after he left, no missiles to tear his life apart. Here there was only himself – and that scared him the most.

"Luka," he looked up and for a moment he saw Danijela in the doorway, instead of Abby. He felt his throat constrict at the haunting familiarity. "Come to bed, Luka, it's late."

He looked down and saw a tear drop onto his son's face. He wiped it away with his thumb.

_So brutally familiar._

He shouldn't be here. He should have died with them. But then, he realised, he wouldn't be _here_ with his son, with Abby.

He cleared his throat and dragged his eyes away from his slumbering son. It was difficult, to be sure. His eyes fell on Abby, tired and mussed from sleep. He wanted to see Danijela there in the doorway, to be back home with her and their two children.

_Theres no escape  
__So keep me safe  
__This feels so unreal _

He thought he was past this, he should be past this. It had been almost a decade. But when he had laid eyes on his son weeks before, everything had came tumbling back to him in tumultuous waves. He'd been drowning ever since.

"In a minute," he muttered, his voice heavy, accent thick.

He looked back to his son and traced his finger over his tiny eyebrow, down his podgy cheek. He saw Abby hesitate, questioning but she left as he'd asked. He closed his eyes and felt another tear drip from his eye. And another and another until eventually his body was heaving with harrowing sobs. He hugged his son tightly to him, careful not to crush him. He couldn't let him go, he didn't want to.

The sun was coming up over the horizon, the room a tawny brown of early morning and still he didn't move, didn't stem the flow of tears knowing that it was pointless to try. He'd been here before.

The eternal night of sorrow and grief and suffering. Sobs escaped his lips every few moments, his shoulders heavy, eyelids puffy. He sniffed and cried some more, not wanting to stop.

_I'm on my knees  
__only memories  
__are left for me to hold_

He wanted Danijela, and Marko and Jasna… He wanted to go back, to Vukovar to his home before it was destroyed. He wanted his _family_.

He felt the small bundle in his arms move and he tightened his grip but the arms continued to lure the small baby away. His eyes looked up and caught Abby's, dark and compassionate. He wanted to take Joe back, to cradle him for eternity. He let her put him to bed. She didn't say anything as she leaned down in front of him, and through his blurry vision he could almost imagine that she was his wife.

"Luka…" she took him in her arms and cradled him, like he had cradled his son.

His tears wrenched free from his eyes, his sobs broken by his chokes. He opened his mouth in a silent scream, gathering her nightclothes in bunches under his hands. He wanted this to be over. He wanted to stop feeling like this. But he didn't know how.

He didn't know how.

_Dont know how  
__but Ill get by  
__Slowly pull myself together_

He cried until he was too exhausted to continue, until darkness tainted the edges of his vision. Abby led him from the room, towards their bedroom and he followed, helpless to do anything else.

She slid the covers around him and slid in behind him, wrapping her arms around his body. He sighed and bit back the cries that were aching to be released. He had to be strong. This was his family now. Abby and Joe. Abby and Joe. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting his mind be assaulted by the ruin of his life.

Even his subconscious could not deliver him from evil.

_**'"I love you, Luka… don't leave me, don't leave me…"**_

_**"Dani… Dani…"'**_

_Nothing comes easily  
__Where do I begin?  
__Nothing can bring me peace  
__Ive lost everything  
__I just want to feel your embrace  
__I love you, I love you, I love... you..._


End file.
